Golden Principles of Raising Children
Imam Ghazali (May God Shower His Mercy Upon Him)’s Arabic
Book on the Subject from His Three-Volumes Collection of Short Books “Majmu’a Rasail Imam Ghazali”
Translated into English
By
Irfan Hasan
From the Urdu Translation of the Book
The English translator has added all explanations given
within square brackets and parenthesis and assumes all responsibilities for any
mistranslations and seeks Allah’s forgiveness for that. All text in Arabic has
been transliterated into English and has been italicized. Urdu translation of
this book of Imam Ghazali was done by Sadruddin Hasan Amritsari and published by Dar-ul
Isha’at,
Adopting an effective method for training children is
extremely important and necessary. It is because a child is Allah’s trust in
parents’ hands and the child’s heart is like a nice, clean, and simple mirror
which, although, is devoid of any types of impressions or shapes, is capable of
accepting the influence of all types of impressions and influences and it can
be inclined towards any thing you like. Therefore, if good habits are
inculcated in the child and if he/she is instructed in knowledge, then the
child after gaining such excellent nourishment (upbringing), achieves the real
success of this life and of the life hereafter. In this [success], the parents
and the teachers of the child become entitled to a share in the rewards [from
Allah for good upbringing of the child]. And if bad habits are inculcated
(nurtured) in a child and [if the child is] left unhindered (unattended/free)
like animals, then he/she gets destroyed after becoming ill mannered. The
burden of sin [of such negligence] fells on his/her guardian and caretaker.
Allah, the Exalted, has said [in the Holy Quran]:
“Ya Ayyuhal Lazeena Aamano Qu Anfusakum
Wa Ahleekum Naarun.”
“O you who believe! Save yourself
and your family from the fire of Hell.”
And when the father saves his child from the fires of this
world, then as a first priority, it is incumbent (obligatory) upon him to save
his child from the fire of the hereafter (Hellfire) and the only way of doing
this is that he teaches the child manners and civilization and educate him/her
in the best of morals and protect him/her from bad companions and friends and
should not let the desire for physical beautification, fine dresses,
ornamentation, physical ease, and comfort-seeking settle in his/her heart,
otherwise, the child after growing up, will waste his/her precious life in
desiring and seeking these lowly things and will get eternally destroyed by
them. Instead, it’s incumbent upon the father to keep a strict watch and care
from a very early age [of his child].
For upbringing of the child and for nursing, [in the
absence of the mother] a woman of good character and religiosity should be
appointed, who eats lawful (Halal) food because the
milk that comes from unlawful food, has no betterment or blessing in it,
instead, if the child is brought up with milk that comes from unlawful (Haram) sources, then evil gets permeated into the very
fiber (consciousness/psychology/inner being) of the child, and because of that,
the temperament of the child gets inclined towards Satanic (evil) deeds. And
when [the parent feels that] the child is able to discern between the good and
the bad then a complete nurturing of the child should begin. This [phase of
child’s life] is indicated by the appearance of the initial signs of shyness (Haya/modesty), because when the child, realizing his/her
respect and honor, starts to feel shy and because of shyness starts to leave
doing certain things, then this is only the result of the light of intelligence
emerging in him/her. This [emergence of the light of intelligence] happens to
such an extent that he/she starts to think of some things as good and of some
things as bad, and starts to feel shameful about certain deeds and this very
realization of shyness (Haya) is a huge favor on the
child by Allah, the Exalted. And it’s a clear sign that argues for (clearly
shows) his/her moderation of the moral values and the purity of the heart.
Instead, we should think of it in this way that this consciousness of the
realization of good and bad [in the child], is a glad tiding from the nature
(i.e. Allah) that this child upon attaining puberty, will possess perfect
intelligence. That’s why a child with shyness (Haya/modesty),
should never be left free (liberated), but instead, making use of his/her
shyness (Haya) and discernment [between good and
bad], a full training should be given to him/her.
The first bad desire that dominates a child,
is the greed to eat more; therefore, it’s extremely necessary to teach him/her
the etiquettes of eating.
For example, [the etiquettes are] to eat food only with
the right hand, to recite “Bismillah” (“In the Name
of Allah”) in the beginning, to eat from the front [of the plate], to wait for
others to begin before he/she does, to not start staring at the food [when
others start first], to not even stare at others who are eating, to not eat in
an unnecessary hurry, to chew the food properly, to not continuously [or
hurriedly] put morsels of food in his/her mouth [but should do that gradually],
to not soil his/her hand and clothes with the food [by dropping it]. Sometimes,
the child should be fed only the bread so that he/she does not consider the
curry [to go with bread] to be a necessity so as to not even be able to do
without it. Likewise, one should narrate in front of the child, the
undesirability of eating too much, for example, those who eat excessively
should be compared to animals. The child should be told to not follow the kids
who eat too much and the kids who eat less and are well trained should be
praised in front of the child. The child attention should be drawn towards
sacrificing the food for the sake of others [who are less fortunate] by taking
care of the needs of his/her companions. The habit should be developed in the
child to not care too much about [fine] food and to be content with simple
food.
Similarly, instead of colorful and silk clothes, the love
and desire for simple and plain clothes should be developed in the heart of the
child. It should be firmly impressed on his/her mind that to wear such clothes
is not appropriate and pious people abhor such ways of dressing. Such things
(admonitions) should be told to the child from time to time in a generalized
way. And it’s an obligation on the parents that when they see any child wearing
silky or brightly colored dresses in front of them, then they should express
their disapproval [of such ways of dressing] in front of the child and should
instill their undesirability [for such dresses] in the heart of the child. The
parents should protect their child from meeting with all those children who are
accustomed to prosperity, seeking comforts (comfortable lifestyle), and
dressing proudly. They (parents) should also protect the child from the company
of all those people who tell him/her stories about such ways of indulgence
[like seeking comforts, dressing proudly, etc.]. Any child, who is left
unattended [in such things] during his/her initial growth (upbringing), after
growing up commonly becomes ill-mannered, liar, thief, tale-bearer,
intransigent (stubborn), evil talker, sarcastic, cunning, deceiver, and
foolish. The only source of protecting the child from all these evils is good
education and training, after that, the child should be admitted into a
religious school so that he/she studies Quran and Hadith (traditions of Prophet Muhammad [Peace and blessing
of Allah be upon him]), acquires knowledge of the conditions, biography, and
traditions of Allah’s righteous slaves so that from the early childhood, the
love of the saints (May Allah shower His Mercy upon all of them) get
established in his/her heart.
Furthermore, protect the child from romantic poetry and
romantic-minded poets and also make him/her stay away from those writers who
think that such poetry is an indication of the life of the heart and subtlety
of perception [or expression], because such things sow the seeds of corruption
(Fasad) and evil in the minds of children.
Whenever the child displays a good quality or displays a
praiseworthy action, then father should praise the child and give him/her such
a gift that will make the child happy and should praise the child in front of
others. If the child then does something opposite [to his/her praiseworthy
quality or action], then it’s appropriate to show unawareness of it and [the
father] should not dishonor or humiliate the child nor should he highlight the
fault. Instead, the father [or parent] should not even let the child know that
he even thinks that the child has the courage to do such a thing in front of
him, especially, in the case, when the child himself/herself tries to cover and
hide the fault. It’s because revealing the mistakes [of the child] at times, is
the cause for the child to become more daring to such an extent that slowly and
gradually the child does not even care about his/her faults being revealed.
Even after taking such a wise precaution, if the child does the same [bad]
thing again, then it’s suitable to rebuke him/her in private and the fault of
the bad deed should be revealed to him/her and should be told, “Beware! Do not
ever do this bad thing again. God forbid, if this is found by someone, then you
will get humiliated in front of the people”, [etc. etc. and other statements
can be guessed from this].
But it should be kept in mind that the child not be
rebuked excessively, because it creates a habit in the child to listen to
condemnation and scolding and increases in him/her the courage to commit
wrongs. And slowly and gradually, the value of admonitions diminishes from the
heart of the child.
Similarly, it’s necessary for the father that when he
talks to the child, he maintains his awe and fear [in the heart of the child]
and should rarely rebuke him/her. And the mother should make him/her fear the
father when the child is being stubborn and should strictly stop the child from
doing bad things.
The child should be told not to sleep during the day
because it creates laziness but he/she should not be stopped from sleeping at
night. However, the child should still be stopped from sleeping on a soft bed
so that the child’s bodily organs will get strong and the body will not get
disfigured, due to which the child will not be able to live without comforts.
Instead, the habits of sleeping on hard beds, wearing non-fine (simple)
clothes, eating simple food should be instilled in the child. The child should
be stopped from doing things in a clandestine way because he/she knows that
it’s bad, that’s why the child hides it. If it’s ignored, then the child will
develop the habit of doing bad things.
Similarly, the habit of walking during the day and
exercising should be instilled in the child so that he/she does not become
lethargic and lazy. However, utmost care must be taken to ensure that the child
does not expose his/her head, knees, thighs, etc. Furthermore, the child should
not walk too fast nor should keep his/her hands loose [which is a sign of
laziness] but instead, the child should keep his/her hands close to the body
and should be active.
The child should be prohibited from showing pride on
anything from the possessions of his/her parents, his food items, clothes, even
from something like his/her writing tablet and ink. Instead, the habit of
dealing with all of his/her companions with humility, respect, honor, and
having pure (clean/civilized) conversation, should be inculcated in him/her and
should not be allowed to take anything from other children. If it’s a child of
wealthy parents then he/she should be explained that the honor and rank is in
giving and not in taking, instead, taking [from others] has in it [the characteristics of] lowliness, humiliation, and
insult. If it’s a child of poor parents then he/she should be taught that to
have greed and to take something from others is a cause of one’s own insult and
humiliation and it’s the characteristic of a dog that it keeps wagging its tail
waiting and being greedy for a morsel [of food]. Similarly, the child should be
made to dislike gold and silver and should be made to fear the love of these
things worse than the love of snakes and scorpions. It’s because the love and
greed of gold and silver, causes far more damage to children and adults than
the harms caused by poison [from snakes and scorpions].
The child should be taught to not spit publicly, to not
pick his/her nose, to not yawn in front of anyone, to not turn his/her back to
anyone, to not sit cross-legged, to not sit while putting his/her palm under
the chin or while supporting the head with hands because all these are
indications of lethargy and laziness, in other words, the child should even be
taught the proper manners of sitting. The child should be restrained from
talking too much and it should be clearly impressed on his/her mind that all
these are shameful things and are not the works of well-mannered children. Furthermore,
the child should be completely prohibited from swearing either truely or falsely so that he/she will not develop the habit
of swearing from childhood. Similarly, the child should be stopped from
starting a conversation first and should have this habit instilled in him/her
that he/she should speak only to answer [questions] and that too should be
proportionate to the question [asked]. When someone is speaking to the child
then he/she should listen very attentively and should get up to create more space
for those who are older and then should sit with proper manners in front of
them. The child should be stopped from useless (evil) talk, dirty talk,
cursing, accusations, verbal abuse and should be prohibited from meeting people
who do these things because the evil qualities of [one’s] companions,
necessarily influence the child [in a bad way]. And the real secret of [proper]
training of children is embedded (hidden) in protecting the children from [the
company of] bad companions.
It is also necessary that when the teacher punishes the
child then the child should neither scream nor shout nor seek the support of
intercession (interference) of someone, instead, [the child] should exercise
patience and forbearance. In order to make the child understand this, he/she
should be told that to exercise patience is the way (characteristic) of the
brave ones and to scream, shout, and cry are the works of those who lack
dignity.
After finishing his/her studies, the child should be
permitted to play some good sport, with the help of which, he/she could get rid
of the tiredness from the school and to get relaxation. But the child should
not be allowed to play so much so that he/she gets tired due to the play
[itself]. Because, to completely stop the child from playing and to just keep
him/her under the pressure of studies, makes his/her heart dead, makes his/her
intelligence nullified and useless, and makes his/her life miserable, due to that,
the child starts to look for excuses to get rid of the studies.
It’s extremely important that the child should be taught
the obedience to the parents, teachers, and everyone who is older in age than
him/her whether this person is a relative or not. And he/she should be told to
look at them with the eyes of respect and should abandon play in front of them.
When the child reaches puberty, then he/she should not be allowed to have
laziness in cleanliness (personal hygiene) and purity and should not be ignored
for missing prayers. In certain days of [the holy month of] Ramadan, the child
[before acquiring puberty] should be made to fast in some days and should be
kept away from silk, and wearing gold and silver. As needed (as it’s suitable
according to the need), the child should be explained the limits (boundaries)
and laws of the Islamic Shari’ah (Divine laws) and
should be made to fear theft, unlawful earnings and food, breach of trust,
dishonesty, shamelessness, and all evil things that are born in the temperament
(personality) of the child during adolescence. When a child’s upbringing from
the [early] childhood will be like this, then by the time the child reaches
puberty, he/she will be able to clearly understand the secrets and the wisdom
behind these matters.
During this stage (childhood/adolescence), he/she should
be explained that whatever permissible (Halal) food
is there, is also like medicines and the only purpose of them is that the human
beings, after eating them, could be obedient to Allah, the Exalted.
It should also be clearly impressed upon the mind [of the
child] that the world itself is not the purpose [of our lives], and [the world]
is unreal, without permanence, and has an ending. Death puts an end to these
[material] blessings and the world is only a place we are passing by. It is not
a place of satisfaction and [is not] a place to settle. But the world of the
hereafter is the real station of peace and tranquility and a place of stillness
and satisfaction and the death, at all times, is in ambush, to end the life of
the world.
In reality, intelligent is the one who provides the
capital of reliance (provision needed for one’s journey to the hereafter) and
good deeds from this mortal world for the eternal life of the hereafter, so
that he/she attains a high rank of acceptance before Allah, the Exalted, and
the limitless blessings of the Paradise. If the child’s initial upbringing
would have been good, then during adolescence, this discussion will prove to be
pleasing to the self (Nafs), effective, get inscribed
on the heart like an [indelible] inscription on the stone, auguring well for
the child.
On contrary to that, if the child’s mental development had
been along the wrong lines, then the qualities of evil, shamelessness, desire
for eating too much, greed for fine dresses, ostentation and ornamentation,
gaudiness, arrogance and pride, would have been born in him/her, and his/her
heart will refuse to accept this fact (i.e. the impermanence of the worldly
life and the need to work for the life hereafter) like the dry wall refuses to
accept dry soil (i.e. such teachings will not stick to the heart of the child).
In summary, these are the initial matters that need to be taken care of to the
utmost.
Since the composition of the child’s heart is such that it
can accept the influences of both the good and the bad, the righteous and the
evil, it’s the responsibility of the father and the mother to incline the
[heart of the] child either to good or to evil (Imam Ghazali
is not giving us a choice in this matter, but instead, urging us to incline the
child towards good otherwise the child will automatically get inclined towards
evil due to the parents’ negligence). Prophet Muhammad (May peace and blessings
of Allah be upon him) says:
“Kullu Mauludiy
Yauladu ‘Alal
“Every child is born on the [true] nature [of God] but
his/her parents make him/her either a Christian, Jew,
or Magian.”
Shaykh Suhail
bin Abdullah Tusteri (May Allah Shower His Mercy upon
him) says:
“When I was three years old, I used to get up at night to
see the [heart-warming] spiritual view of the Tahajjud
prayers [done in the last part of the night which is highly recommended in
Islam for spiritual advancement on the Path of God] of my maternal uncle
Muhammad bin Sawar (May Allah Shower His Mercy upon
him). Once he said to me:
‘Do you not engage in the remembrance of Allah, the
Exalted, Who created you?’
I asked: ‘How should I remember Allah?’
He said: ‘At night, when you
change your sides [on bed before sleeping], recite the following only in your
heart, three times without moving your tongue:
Allahu Ma’iya,
Allahu Nazirun Ilaeyya, Allahu Shahidi
Allah is with me, Allah is watching me, Allah
is in front of me.’
I did that for a few nights, and then I informed him about
it to which he said:
‘Now on every night, do the same thing seven times.’
I did that and informed him about that to which he said:
‘Now do this eleven times.’
I did the same and as a result of that, I started to feel
its taste and sweetness in my heart. Then when one year passed by acting on
this [every night], he said:
‘The remembrance that I have taught you,
you should remember it well, and keep acting on that until you die. This
will be a source of benefit to you in this world and in the next.’
I kept doing it for a couple of years, until I started to
feel its taste (deep impact) in the deepest recesses of my innermost being.
Then one day, he said:
‘O Suhail! Allah, when He is
with someone, whom He watches [every single moment], whom He is in front of,
could that person ever disobey Allah, the Exalted? Beware! Never [ever]
transgress against Allah and disobey Him!’
Therefore, I started to live in seclusion. Then he tried
to send me to a school but I said:
‘I feel the danger that my attention [towards Allah] will
get divided. But it will be better, if you could get this commitment from the
teacher that I will study with him for a while then I will quickly return to
indulge in Allah’s remembrance.’
Then afterwards, I went to the teacher and by the time I
was six or seven years old, I memorized the entire Quran
by heart. I always fasted and until I was twelve, the barley bread was my
primary food (diet). During this time, when I was thirteen, I had this need to
learn (find out) about a particular religious matter, and then I requested my
family to allow me to go to Busra [in Iraq] so that I
can ask the scholars there about this matter. Therefore, I came to Busra and asked scholars there about this matter but none
of them satisfied me. Afterwards, I went to ‘Abadan
[in Iran] to be in the presence of Shaykh Habeeb Humza bin ‘Abdullah ‘Abadani (May Allah Shower His Mercy upon him) and asked him
about the same religious matter to which he gave me a satisfactory response.
Then I continued to stay in his presence for a long time to gain spiritual
benefits (Fayd) from his [book] ‘Mulfoozat
al-Qudsiya’ and continued to learn manners from him.
Then I returned to [my hometown of] Tuster and
apportioned my diet so that one Dirham’s (an old
currency) worth of barley used to be grounded for me and bread used to be
prepared for me from it. Every night, at the time of Suhoor
(Late night meal before starting the fast), I used to eat one Aoqia (an old unit of measure equivalent to one ounce
today) from the bread without using any curry with it. Therefore, one Dirham
[which is a very small amount] used to be sufficient for me for [the food for]
the whole year.
I made progress [in this matter] to such an extent that I
used to break my fasts after three nights (in other words, he used to fast
continuously for three days and nights), then after five nights, then after
seven nights, then I gradually reached up to twenty-five nights. I continued in
this way for twenty years continuously. Then I toured the world for many years
and returned to Tuster. I used to worship and pray
almost all night.”
Imam Ahmad (May Allah Shower His Mercy upon him) says:
“I never received any evidence that he (i.e. Shaykh Suhail Tusteri
[May Allah Shower His Mercy upon him]) ever used curry [with his bread when he
ate].”
[Imam Ghazali (May Allah Shower His Mercy upon him) did not mention this tradition so that we also raise our children like this in terms of the intense spiritual exercises and extraordinary feats of physical endurance that Shaykh Suhail (May Allah Shower His Mercy upon him) performed from his early childhood. Imam Ghazali’s purpose in mentioning this is to drive home the point that if proper arrangements are made by parents for the child’s proper upbringing, then the child can reach the pinnacle of human potential, otherwise, such intense spiritual and physical exercises is not necessary for all Muslims].